The lights are low and the conversation is flowing. So far, so good. You elegantly sip your wine and flick through the menu. Hmm, what to choose? Spaghetti Bolognese, ah a perennial favourite – you can't go wrong with a classic can you? Stop right there. Think again; spaghetti and sexy are far from synonymous. Can you slurp seductively without splattering all and sundry with sauce? No, let's take another look.
OK, so how about seafood? Hmm, well, you need to be very wary of anything that comes with its own special tool. An unarmoured crab might pose no threat, but, if you order crab and the waiter brings you nut-crackers, be afraid, be very afraid - your crustacean will arrive fully-dressed, armed and ready for battle. All that cracking and carry-on can only lead to no good. The same goes for those pesky little sea-faring critters that must be prodded, poked and coaxed out of their shells. How on earth will you concentrate on your date if the food on your plate is in a protective casing actively designed through millenniums of evolution to keep you out?
Similarly, steer clear of dishes that require lots of chopping and chewing. A slightly too tough steak has the potential to become a weapon in the hands of someone who's concentrating on their partner rather than their plate. It can happen in a flash - a lingering look, a pounding heart and BANG – at the slice of a knife and the slip of a fork, meat becomes missile and the poor waiter gets it in the eye.
And, assuming the steak journeys from plate to mouth without incident, you're still not out of the danger zone. For the next few minutes you'll have to communicate through a series of nods, grunts and hand signals as you chomp and chew in a vain bid to get that last piece of gristle down your gullet without choking or dislocating your jaw. In all probability, the odds on injury in one way or another are just too great to risk. Even if your date can perform the Heimlich manoeuvre, do you really want to be remembered as the one whose projectile steak landed in the staff tip pot?
